


The Kids Aren't Alright

by brooklyn1967



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Has BPD, Depression, Dyslexia, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, I'll add tags as I go along, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Looking for a Beta, Lots of it, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suffering, Suicide, bmc, im british and i dont udnerstand american culture so wish me luck, im not the most knowledgable on bpd but im doing my research and trying my best, imma try to add fluff anyway, so we dont drown in our tears, woops no one asked for this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-11 13:53:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15973673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brooklyn1967/pseuds/brooklyn1967
Summary: Evan and Connor used to be best friends. As thick as thieves. And then, they weren't. Fast forward to senior year when Evan finds Connor close to passing out in a park, maybe things can go back to how they used to be?-aka Evan and Connor were childhood friends and when Connor attempts Evan finds him in the park





	1. Bad Trip, I couldn't get off

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! No one asked for this but here's another fic!
> 
> TW  
> (stay safe, if you need to skip this chapter for whatever reason lmk and I'll message you a summary of what happened) 
> 
> >suicide attempt  
> >overdosing

After the events of the day Evan needed to get out, get some fresh air and clear his mind. It was the first day of senior year and the encounter he had had with Connor Murphy was less than positive. Most people ignored Connor’s outbursts but Evan couldn’t, he never could.

* * *

  _“Connor!” Evan called to his friend. Looking at the printer that was now on the floor in front of Mrs G. She didn’t look angry, she looked sad? Or, sorry? Evan couldn’t remember the word but he knew it began with an s. He looked back over to his taller friend. His hair just below his ears and his eyes were watery. Evan instantly ran up to the other boy to do what he did best but before he could envelop his friend in a hug, Connor took a step back._

_“Go away Ev,” Connor muttered, rubbing at his eyes, his head low._

_“No Con, what-?” Evan was confused as to why Connor threw the printer, well pushed the printer, they were only seven. He got confused a lot as to why Connor did certain things but he knew he confused Connor as well, so it was just something that happened. Connor got angry and Evan got scared, either way, it was always the two of them against the world._

_“Why don’t you boys step outside for a bit. Do you think you could help calm Connor down Evan?” Mrs G interrupted him, a wide smile back on her face. Evan nodded and took Connor’s hand as he lead him outside the classroom._

* * *

 

Evan shrugged not to think about all the things that could happen to him as he walked in the darkness towards the park. He knew he should turn around and go back home but there was something stopping him from doing so. He made his way to Ellison State park, down the pathway he always took to get to the quieter hike trails that were less frequented by guests.

After about ten minutes of walking down one of the trails, he saw something slumped under one of the tall oak trees. No, not something, someone and a very familiar someone. As Evan got closer, he knew something was wrong and instantly ran over to the other boy that was resting against the tree trunk. His long hair was messy and going in all directions, he looked extremely pale in the dim moonlight and as Evan got closer it looked like he could barely keep his eyes open. 

“Connor!” Evan called to the brunette as he ran the rest of the way there and crouched under the tree next to him. “Connor, what’s-?”

“Hansen?” Connor muttered out, looking up at the blonde teen. His eyes were cloudy. “What are you doing-?” Connor stopped himself as if he had gotten distracted by something else.

“God, what? Are you high?” Evan asked panic all over his voice. He could feel his breaths quicken but he had to stay under control. 1 2 3 4, he thought, 1 2 3 4. He grabbed Connor’s wrist for a pulse, it was weak.

“Nah, not anymore? That was, that a good high though. Faded off by now though, I think I-“ Connor started to stand up but instantly swayed on his feet, and fell down on his face. He rolled himself over so now he was laying on the grass, looking at the empty night sky.  

“What is going on?” Evan asked, this couldn’t just be the effects of weed, and then it clicked. “Wait, Connor, you didn’t?” Evan started. “You didn’t overdose, did you?”

“Overdose? That was the plan, god, I’m getting tired.” Connor laughed. “Night Hansen.”

“No!” Evan shouted louder than he expected. “You, uh, you have to stay awake. Connor, do you hear me? You have to stay awake.” Evan looked around not knowing what to do. He clearly had to phone the ambulance, so he got his phone and dialled 911. He put his phone between his ear and his shoulder so that he could push Connor up again and lean him back against the tree. Connor was still muttering non-comprehendible things so he was still awake, good.

“ _911, what’s your emergency?”_ A warm female voice asked from the other side of the phone.

“Ev, who you calling?” He heard Connor question.

“Hi, my uh, my friend has overdosed. I think. We’re in Ellison State park. The trail to the right of the entrance.” Evan explained, stuttering through his words. 1 2 3 4, 1 2 3 4.

“ _Okay, do you know what he’s taken_?” The woman asked him.

“Connor, what have you?” Evan started to ask.

“I don’t feel so good.” Connor groaned before moving onto all fours and started vomiting.

“Oh god, he’s being sick!” Evan exclaimed, covering his mouth with his free hand.

“ _Stay calm sir, just make sure he doesn’t choke, okay? Can you find out what he took for me? I’m dispatching an ambulance to your area, they should be there soon.”_

“Okay. Okay, um. Oh!” There was an empty pill bottle on the floor amongst the grass but it was empty and had no label on it. “Fuck. Sorry, I shouldn’t have-“

“ _Sir, what’s the matter?”_

“T-there’s a pill bottle but it’s empty and it has no label. Connor! What did you take?” Evan asked the boy who was still being sick on the ground. It had gotten in his hair slightly as his brown waves had fallen into his face. “Oh, Connor.”

Evan moved closer to the taller boy and gently took his left wrist into his hand which had a hair tie around it. He took the hair tie off of Connor’s wrist and tied his hair back in a loose bun to stop anymore sick from getting in it.

“Connor, what did you take?” Evan asked gently, as he rubbed the other teens back.

“I don’t care Ev, a whole mixture of things,” Connor stated when he stopped throwing up. He sat back and rested his head on Evan’s shoulder. “I’m so tired.” He was starting to slur.

“He uh, says a mixture of things,” Evan told the person on the other end of the phone and he could hear sirens in the distance getting closer. “He’s just stopped being sick, he says he’s tired. I’m trying to keep him awake but I-“

“ _You’re doing great, just make sure he doesn’t fall asleep. An ambulance will be with you soon. I will stay on call until they get there. Keep talking to him and make him reply so he stays awake and we can monitor how he’s doing._ ”

“Am I dying?” Connor murmured.

“No. I’m here now Connor, everything will be okay,” Evan reassured the other teen. He didn’t know if he was saying those words for Connor or for himself. Evan always knew Connor struggled. He always had, that was evident, but he hadn’t known it had gotten this bad. How had he not known? Sure, they hadn’t talked since middle school, but Evan promised Connor he would always be there.

“Everything's foggy,” Connor coughed as blue flashing lights parked farther up the trail and two paramedics ran towards them carrying a stretcher, "I'm sorry Ev." 

* * *

“ _What happened Con?” Evan asked as he sat on the bench outside on the playground, holding his friend's hand._

_“I don’t know.” Connor shook his head. “It was my turn to be line leader. I dressed up for it and, and she wasn’t listening to me.” Connor sniffled between words. Kicking out his feet to show the new shoes he had worn specifically. “I’m sorry Ev, you’re missing the puppet show for me.”_

_“That’s okay. There are lots of puppet shows, I’d rather be here with you. There’s only one of you.” Evan grinned, as he nudged his friend with his shoulder,“We could make our own puppet show this weekend!”_

_“Really?”_

_“Of course, and it will be so much more awesome. There can be dragons and knights and-“ Evan got excited as he thought of all the possibilities._

_“-and princesses?” Connor asked, wiping the tears from his eyes._

_“Of course! I was saving that one just for you! And we could make Zoe watch it, I’m sure she’d love it!”_

_“Thank’s Ev.” Connor let out a small smile._

_“I’ll always be here for you Con, we’re best friends.”_

_“You promise?”_

_“I promise.”_


	2. And maybe I bit off more than I could chew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan is a lost boi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter! Enjoy! 
> 
> TW  
> (stay safe) 
> 
> uh, not much? brief mentions of suicide and self harm scars.  
> anxiety as always and anger as always

Evan was sat next to Connor’s hospital bed with Cynthia Murphy sat across from him holding her son’s hand. He felt like such a fake. He hadn’t talked to Connor in years. Not properly anyway and here he was being treated like the best friend he used to be. He had tried to get away, give the Murphy’s some space but Cynthia kept insisting and deep down, he knew he wanted to make sure Connor was going to be okay.

There was a groan from the hospital bed and both Cynthia and Evan turned to see Connor slowly opening his eyes, wincing at the bright lights of the hospital room.

“Oh my god, Connor!” Cynthia burst into tears as her other hand grabbed onto Connors, making a Cynthia-Connor hand sandwich. Connor winced again at his mom’s loud voice even before he could open his eyes fully. “I’m so glad you’re okay. I have to go and get a nurse but thank god you’re alive Connor.” Cynthia frantically stood up, letting go of her son's hand this time. “Don’t worry, Evan’s here and I’ll be back in just a second.” It was Evan’s turn to wince this time, at the mention of his name, he was looking anywhere but at Connor but could feel the other's eyes burning into the back of his skull.

Cynthia left the room and closed the hospital door behind her, Evan was fiddling with the hem of his polo shirt.

“Hansen?” Connor croaked, before coughing. His voice was rough, and it sounded like it was painful to talk but Evan would take it over the weak slurring he heard two nights ago. At the sound of Connor’s voice, Evan’s head snapped to look in his direction. Wanting to see for himself, that he was truly awake. Connor was wearing one of the blue hospital gowns and he had the blanket over him up to his chest. There was an IV in his arm and a heart monitor attached to his finger. His brown hair was a mess and there were deep dark circles under his eyes, but the eyes themselves were open, awake and looking intently in Evan’s direction.

“Um, h-hi. C-Connor.” Evan stuttered.

“What are you doing here?” Connor asked before he answered the question for himself. “Right, never mind. I remember.” Evan didn’t know what to say. He didn’t belong here. He should never have been sat next to this hospital bed, yet he could never pull himself away either. Evan may have found Connor, yes. But he had also let it get that far. He had promised Connor. He wasn’t the best friend he used to be, he was nowhere near being that small boy who comforted his best friend when he cried or got angry. The two boys sat in silence, not knowing what to say. Connor closed his eyes again, looking like he was trying to go back to sleep. Evan was fiddling with the hem of his shirt. Looking down so he didn’t have to face what was going on.

“Here he is,” Cynthia exclaimed as a nurse and herself entered the room. “Connor, baby, the nurse needs to speak to you.” She took her seat at the edge of the bed again and tried to take Connor’s hand but failed as he quickly pulled it out of her reach. Hurt flashed across Cynthia’s face for a nano-second before covering it up with a smile once again.  

“Fucks sake, why are you so loud.” Connor groaned, re-opening his eyes and pulling himself up into a sitting position as he did. He looked down at his bare arms before pulling the blanket up around himself. Evan had heard the rumours that Connor cut, he just never liked to believe them mainly because he liked to think that Connor wasn’t that far down but also because then he would be an even worse friend. Not going to Connor when he clearly needed someone, but Evan was a coward, even to the one person he never thought he could be cowardly with.

The nurse explained to Connor who she was and what had happened while he had been in hospital and Evan zoned out, not paying attention to what was said. He knew it already. Connor was lucky that Evan had found him when he did and took him to the hospital. The hospital then phoned Cynthia, Evan not knowing her number and Connor had left his phone at home, so they had to look it up on the records. Connor needed his stomach pumped and for a while, it was touch and go as to whether he would survive. He had been in a coma for close to two days now.

“What do you remember of that night, Mr Murphy?” The nurse asked, writing notes on the clipboard that had been hung on the end of Connor’s bed. She was wearing pale blue scrubs that Evan always saw his mom wearing, and for a split second, Evan wondered if Heidi knew he was mere floors away from where she was working.

“Connor.” He muttered, correcting the nurse, “I am _not_ my father.” Connor was staring at what could be daggers at the nurse if he put more effort it but at the moment, it looked like he didn’t have the energy for it. It was weird seeing Connor like this like he had given up. He was so used to seeing the angry Connor around school and even that was weird to Evan after being friends with the teary-eyed boy who didn’t understand his actions and why he couldn’t just be normal.

“Sorry, Connor. Can you tell me what you remember?” The nurse corrected herself. There were a few beats of silence and when it seemed like Connor wasn’t going to cooperate he let out a deep sigh and answered the question. 

“I don’t know, most of it is a blur. Lots of pills, lots of sick.” Connor winced at the memory. “I’m really going to need a shower soon.” Connor said as he tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear, looking mildly disgusted.

“That is to be expected. Your body was in such a state trying to get rid of the toxins that it is not surprising that your memories are blurry. Is your memory okay apart from that night though?”

“I think so. However, I have only been awake for five minutes before this interrogation began.” Connor snapped but it didn't give the angry punch that it normally would have.

“This is all routine checks, Connor. Here’s the plan of action.” The nurse went on to explain how Connor was going to be kept in the hospital, so he could be monitored to check that he wasn’t going to do anything reckless again and then he would have to attend group therapy sessions outside of the hospital. Evan felt more and more like a fraud the longer he sat there so he quietly excused himself and left the room, not looking at either of the Murphy’s on his way out. He wanted to disappear. This was all too much. Evan still hadn’t processed that his childhood best friend had tried to kill himself and now he was getting treated like the last three years hadn’t happened. Like the most contact they had had wasn’t Connor pushing him over on the first day of the school year.

 

It was the day after Connor had woken up and Evan really didn’t want to go to school but he wanted to visit the hospital even less so school it was. He knew Cynthia was expecting him to visit but, how could he? He let Connor get like this, he had failed as a friend. He should have been there. The other boy probably hated him, probably never wanted to see Evan again and Evan knew he deserved that. After everything. What if he had tried harder in freshman year? What if he hadn’t let Connor storm away the first day of school, after signing Evan’s cast. He still couldn’t understand why Connor had come up to him that day in the computer lab. After years of nothing, why now? Why, something?

Evan walked to school as he normally did, although it was still warm for early September and it made his hands more sweaty than usual, it was only a fifteen-minute walk so he couldn’t complain too much. Besides, he didn’t have much of a choice. The bus made him too anxious and driving was definitely not an option so walking it was.

Once he was inside the clinical walls of his high school he barely made it to his locker before Jared Kleinman approached him with a grin on his face. Jared was Evan’s only friend, well, family friend. They had been family friends since they were born. Their moms had been college friends and even though Heidi rarely saw Jared’s mom anymore, he still hung around with Evan so that his parents would pay for his car insurance.

“How’s the freak?” Jared grinned, leaning up against the lockers as Evan took out the textbooks he needed for the first few periods from his locker. He had his arms crossed against his chest and an eyebrow was raised.

“Don’t call him that Jared.” Evan murmured, not in the mood to be dealing with Jared this morning. He had told his family friend about what had happened as soon as he had escaped the hospital yesterday. He had to talk to someone about it, get it off his chest somehow, and Jared was the closest thing he had to a friend anymore. However, he hadn’t been much help.

“Since when did you care? You stopped caring what I called him, what? When we were 14?” Jared laughed. “I bet he was pissed when he saw you.” Jared grinned.

“I don’t want to talk about this right now,” Evan told him. “And keep your voice down, the whole school doesn’t need to know.”

“Whatever. Hey Zoe!” Jared called as Connor’s sister walked by. Evan had only seen her once while he was waiting for Connor to wake up. The day after it all happened. She had looked stoic. Emotionless. It was weird to see the normally joyful Zoe like that. She looked tired now, more so than usual. For a moment, Evan wondered how she was dealing with everything, that was until he heard her voice close from behind him and the concern turned to panic about what she was going to say to him. She was going to call him a fraud, a fake. That he deserved to be the one in that hospital bed.

“What do you want Jared?” Zoe asked and Evan turned to look at her, giving a weak smile as he played with a loose thread of his cast. The black bold CONNOR that was written across it taunting him. Zoe had noticed the name as well, lifting an eyebrow in question. Evan wondered what she knew about his and Connor's friendship. He hadn't talked to her for around two years now, it had taken her a while to stop asking Evan about what was going on with her brother.

“Just saying hello. What can a guy do to get a simple hello around here?” Jared straightened himself out, his arms out either side of him in a mock questioning manner.

“My mum wanted me to ask you if you were coming to the hospital tonight.” Zoe turned to Evan, eyebrows raised as she ignored Jared.

“I, uh, um-“ Evan started sputtering. This was it, she was going to tell him everything he had been thinking.

“Don’t worry, I already told her you have a big English project due that you need to catch up on since you’ve had the past two days off.” Zoe told him. “I feel like you and Connor need to talk without the audience of my mother.” Right, she knew everything wasn’t as easy as Cynthia was trying to make it out to be. She always knew what to do and say, even as kids, Evan let out a sigh of relief.

“Oh! Um, y-yeah. Th-that’s probably a good idea.” Evan nodded, looking down at the floor, his right foot rubbing against a weird dark smudge. He was thankful that Zoe had managed to get him out of some visits, for now at least.

“But then she said you need to come round this Friday for dinner so that’s not going to happen,” Zoe explained, and dread filled Evan’s stomach. Dinner. With the Murphy’s. With Connor. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t know what to say or do. Connor would be furious. Sure, they had had a somewhat friendly conversation before this all happened but that was short lived before Connor had stormed out, clearly remembering the past he shared with Evan. “They’re letting him out early, it seems my brother is good at getting what he wants from doctors.”

“W-what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Come on you know what my brother’s like. I’ll see you Friday, Evan. I can give you a lift straight after school.” Zoe waved as she walked away towards her first-period class before Evan could think of an excuse to get out of it.

“Bye Zoe!” Jared called to the girl as she walked away from them both before he stated, “God, you are going to be _so_ dead.” Yet, Jared was still grinning while Evan ran to the toilets to calm himself down.

 

“Jared, what do I do?” Evan called into his phone. He was currently out in the school parking lot waiting for Zoe. It was Friday and the school day had just ended and that meant one thing, dinner with the Murphy’s and seeing Connor for the first time since he woke up. He had managed to avoid visiting the hospital all week, which he still hadn’t decided was a good or bad thing.

“Just ditch ‘em,” Jared said like it was a matter of fact. “It’s not like you have any obligation to them. You’ve already saved their son.” If only it was that easy, Evan thought. There was a part of him that wanted to go. He wanted to see Connor. This whole situation had brought to the surface how much Evan had missed his former friend and he needed to make sure he was okay, but there was a much bigger part of him that reminded him that Connor hated him now.

“I didn’t, I- don’t say that Jared.”

“What? That you don’t have an obligation or that you saved the school shooter from killing himself.”

“B-both!” Evan all but shouted in frustration.

“Have you ever thought that Connor is going to kill you?” Jared questioned, Evan could tell he was amused by this. “I feel like he would be good at holding a grudge and after you foiled his plans, well…who knows what he’s got in store for you.”

“Y-you’re not helping,” Evan told him. Panic rising in him. Of course, he knew Connor wasn’t going to be happy to see him. Why would he be? He would be furious, and Evan understood. He could see the younger Murphy sibling approach from the other side of the parking lot, and she gave a small wave in his direction. “I, I have to go Jared. Zoe, she’s, she’s here.”

“May the force be with you, you’re gonna need it.” Evan could imagine the smirk on the other boy’s face as he hung up.

* * *

 

_“Hansen.” Connor greeted him as soon as Evan was about to leave and collect the letter he had printed off for his therapist and leave the computer lab. He wasn’t expecting to walk into Connor – almost quite literally. Especially after the events of the morning. Connor had thought Evan had been laughing at him and ended up shoving him onto the floor of the hall corridor._

_“Oh! C-Connor. H-hi.” Evan stuttered, pushing his chair in so he could take a step back and have some more space for himself. What was Connor doing here?_

_“I wanted to apologise,” Connor told him, Evan’s head shot up to look at the taller boy and it was Connor’s turn to be looking down at the floor. Connor seemed unsure?_

_“W-What?” Evan asked. His heart was racing and his breathing was beginning to shorten. This was the longest encounter the two boys had had since freshman year and Evan didn’t know how to act. Connor, who used to bring him waves of calm was now causing his palms to sweat and his fingers to twitch._

_“For pushing you over earlier,” Connor said, looking up now._

_“Oh! No, y-you d-don’t have-“ Evan started, not knowing what he was saying._

_“No one’s signed your cast,” Connor told him, pointing at the plain white canvas that was on Evan’s left arm. The blankness of it had been taunting him all day, did Connor really have to point it out? He must have known that Evan didn’t have any friends. Not anymore._

_“No, I know.” Evan quietly sighed, twiddling his fingers together._

_“Well, I’ll sign it.” Connor offered and before Evan could fully protest that he really didn’t have to, he added, “do you have a sharpie?” and not wanting to make Connor think that he would be ashamed to have Connor sign his cast, he pulled out the black sharpie from his backpack and handed it to the other boy._

_Connor grabbed his wrist and pulled it up so he could sign his name, which caused Evan to wince slightly. Connor uncapped the pen with his teeth and scrawled his name in big, black, capital letters that filled up the whole of one side of the canvas._

_“Oh, great.” Evan winced at how pathetic he sounded. This felt wrong and forced, being with Connor had never felt like this before. Well, that’s what three years of ignoring each other does, he thought to himself._

_“Now we can pretend we both have friends. Like we used to.” Connor told him, handing him back the sharpie. “I found this on the printer.” Connor continued. “It has your name on the top, so I assumed it was yours.” Evan looked at the piece of paper that Connor was holding and realised that it was his therapy letter that he had printed out._

_“Oh, yeah. I-if you c-could just. I-its for an as-assignment.” Evan stuttered trying to get Connor to hand it back to no avail, the other teen read the words that Evan had written for his therapy appointment later that day._

_“Why’s my name on this?” Connor’s voice rose, as his eyes scanned the page. “You wrote this because you knew I was the only one in the computer lab.” He was shouting now, and Evan was struggling to breathe._

_“No! Why would I-?” Connor wasn’t listening. Evan was used to seeing Connor like this, he understood Connor wasn’t evil like everyone said he was but he had never had Connor’s anger directed at him like this before._

_“So I would freak out and you could tell everyone how the freak freaked out again!” Connor shouted. “Well fuck you!” The last words landed weakly as Connor threw the piece of paper back into Evan’s face as he stormed out of the lab, leaving a shaking Evan in his wake._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >I hope you enjoyed that! It turned out a lot longer than expected but next time we have the Murphy dinner that every fanfic has!
> 
> >Comment and leave kudos because it really motivates me.  
> >What do you think of the pacing?  
> >Any plot suggestions? 
> 
> >chapter title from fall out boy
> 
> >As always, I love you all.


	3. Blessed be the boys, time can't capture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor can be an angry boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three chapters already?? Damn, I'm on a role. 
> 
> TW  
> (stay safe! if you need to skip this chapter for whatever reason let me know and I'll send you a summary, no questions asked!) 
> 
> >mentions of suicide   
> >mentions of self harm (more of a very slight reference, it's really not too bad)   
> >mentions of drug use   
> >anger and uncontrollable anger?   
> >the usual ya know
> 
> >none of this is really that graphic except from when Connor his having one of his angry outbursts

Zoe led Evan towards her car and they both got in before heading to the Murphy’s house. Evan could walk to their house with his eyes closed if he really needed to. The number of times he had gone over there as a kid, to build a snowman on snow days and have movie marathons until they fell asleep, it would be a miracle if he ever forgot his way there. However, as they pulled up in front of the could-be-mansion, Evan couldn’t help but feel like he was stepping into the unknown.

“Looks like mom is back with Connor,” Zoe stated as she parked the car in the driveway, motioning to the two other cars that were parked side by side. Evan got out of the car as Zoe did and followed her up to the house.

 

“Mom! I have Evan!” Connor heard Zoe call from the entrance of the house. He was sat in his bedroom after just having a shower to get the hospital out of his skin. He had dried his hair with the hairdryer that he stole from Zoe’s room and so it was a lot more fluffy than usual.

Cynthia had told Connor how she had put a homemade lasagne in the oven before she came to pick him up ready for the welcome home dinner with his family and Evan. Connor had looked at her incredulously as she explained that she had invited the blonde boy over, he thought it was unbelievable. Connor felt guilty when it came to Evan, guilty and sad but as always, those feelings got channelled into anger, so he was already feeling on edge before he even heard Zoe’s call.

Knowing Zoe’s return meant that dinner would be served soon, Connor slipped on a pair of black jeans, a black hoodie and dark blue fluffy socks. He tucked his hair behind his ears as Cynthia called him down for dinner and he grudgingly made his way downstairs ready for the hell that was inevitably going to take place.

“Take a seat, Evan, I’m sure Connor will be down in just a second. Oh! Here he is.” Connor heard Cynthia rambling as Connor entered the dining room. Cynthia was placing the lasagne on the table with a serving spoon ready for people to help themselves. Connor noticed that everyone else was already at the table and the only space left was next to Evan and Larry. Already knowing that this meal was going to turn into a disaster, he took his seat, not looking at anyone or saying a word.

“Don’t you have anything to say, son?” Larry asked irritation laced his words as he served his dinner onto his plate. The voice of his father made Connor’s blood boil even more. He wasn’t in the mood for this, he didn’t want to have an argument right now. He wanted to go to bed and sleep for the next ten years. He was exhausted, right to his bones and a family dinner with his ex-best friend was the last thing he wanted. What did they expect of him?

“If I did, I would have said it.” Connor snapped, but the words weren’t as strong as they normally would be. Connor was the last one to serve up his food and he took a small spoonful onto his plate. His stomach felt like it was filled with hot liquid, and he felt like he could be sick any minute. He had been throwing up every now and then in the hospital, but the doctors said that it was to be expected and that it was just his body getting rid of the lingering toxins and that it should fade out within a week.

“Evan, how have you been doing sweetie.” Cynthia smiled, quickly changing the subject, which caused a huff from Larry and Zoe was just looking down at her plate, taking small bites of the inedible food. “We didn’t get to talk much in the hospital and we haven’t seen you in so long.”

“Yeah, what did my son do to scare you away?” Larry joined in, already finding another way to make a jab at Connor and he had found the one thing that would always make him snap. Connor bit his bottom lip to try and stop himself from screaming at Larry, his hands were in fists, his fingernails digging into his skin. _Concentrate on the pain. Concentrate on the pain._

“He- no. It w-wasn’t-“ Evan stuttered, not knowing how to respond and in the end gave up trying to get the right words to leave his mouth. Connor looked over to the other boy out of the corner of his eye. He could see beads of sweat and Evan was shaking slightly.

“You don’t have to answer him, Hansen.” Connor snapped again, without being to stop himself. Seeing Evan so clearly terrified, brought Connor back to the past when he would always jump in Evan’s defence. It was second nature and Connor had said the words before he could even think through what he was doing. 

“Oh.” Evan squeaked, picking up his fork and taking a bit of the food. Connor could see his eyes widen slightly and the unusual taste, which made Connor let out a weak huff of a laugh. “This is lovely, Mrs Murphy. Thank you.” Cynthia grinned in response and everyone went back to eating their food as Zoe piped up about a concert the Jazz band is doing soon for homecoming, clearly trying to avoid the tension in the room.

The rest of the meal went pretty smoothly until the end. Connor avoided everyone’s eyes, especially Evan’s. Cynthia and Zoe made conversation, asking Evan a question here and there. Connor could feel Larry’s glare but managed to ignore it, as he kept his head down. Normally he would have lost it at his father by now, but he didn’t have it in him. He felt empty and the emptiness increased the longer he sat at that table. He was so used to being loud and angry that he didn’t know what to do when that wasn’t there, in him. However, at the end of the meal, for a second too long, he went back to how he used to be.

“We have to thank you again, Evan. We don’t know what we would have done if it wasn’t for what you did that night.” Cynthia thanked the blonde boy, as she placed her cutlery down on her plate. Evan had managed half his serving from the looks of it and Connor hadn’t eaten a bite. He shot a glare in his mother’s direction, that’s all she had been going on about in the hospital. Going on about how grateful she was for Evan and Connor should be so thankful to him. She also questioned what had happened between the two of them and wouldn’t stop going on about how they were once such good friends as if Connor didn’t know. As if he wasn’t aware of all the shit he had caused that summer before freshman year.

“Oh, no. I r-really didn’t do anything.” Evan’s cheeks were pink and now it looked like he was avoiding looking at Connor.

“What do you have to say to Evan, Connor?” Larry glared at him. “Aren’t you thankful for all he’s done?” That’s when Connor’s calm resolve broke. The emptiness that had been in him, bubbling slightly had gone and in its place was a hot, uncontrollable tsunami of anger that flooded Connor’s body.

“Aren’t I thankful?” Connor shouted at his father, his hands balling into even tighter fists than before. “Spoiler alert: no, I’m fucking not. In fact, I’m anything but.” He heard a small gasp from Evan, but Connor couldn’t process what he was doing or saying. None of them understood, after everything, none of them understood. All they cared about was Evan and his heroic actions.

“Connor,” Cynthia reprimanded, but it didn’t hit him. The words well to his feet and he crushed them with his anger. The waves were crashing through his body. He needed to get out, he couldn’t do this, definitely not with Evan in the room. The small rational part of his brain was telling him that Evan didn’t deserve to see this, he never deserved to see this side of Connor but as always, it was uncontrollable. It had started now; his anger was overflowing and he couldn’t stop it.

“Have any of you thought that I didn’t want to be saved that night?” Connor screamed, standing up and pushing his chair away in the process. “I tried to kill myself for a reason!” Cynthia was crying now, and Zoe had moved over to give her a hug. She was looking at Connor like he was a monster, not that he wasn’t used to it. Evan was looking down at his plate not knowing what to do and Larry had stood up to be at a similar height to his son.

“Connor.” It was Larry’s turn to say his name this time, and it was much louder than when Cynthia had said it, yet Connor still wasn’t listening. The waves were still thrashing but his voice hurt from the screaming and throwing up he’d been doing the past few days.

“You should have just left me there to rot.” Connor quietly said, directing his words at Evan before he stormed out of the room and up to his bedroom. He could hear Larry’s shouts behind him but ignored them as he slammed his bedroom door shut behind him. Connor’s skin was buzzing and itching. He punched the door behind him, but the pain only worked for a second to distract him before the tsunami covered him again. He pulled out his drawers, looking for anything to help him. Completely messing up his room he looked everywhere for something to stop it all. To get rid of the anger and the pain for just a moment but there was nothing. Clearly, Larry or Cynthia had raided his room while he was in the hospital. There was no weed or razors to be found. Not even the pills he had tried once a few months ago when things were particularly shitty.

Connor slumped on his bed, pulling at his hair. He could only imagine what he looked like right now. A self-destructive monster, hell-bent on destroying everything. He needed to get his breathing under control from where it had sped up after shouting and screaming as he ransacked his own room. It was always like this, even as a kid, they didn’t know what to do with him when he was having one of his fits. They just let him exhaust himself until he stopped.

Once he had calmed down a bit, Connor pulled out his phone from where it had been in his back pocket and typed out a quick text message.

**To Jacob:**

**_meet me in the normal place in 20? I have some notes that are burning a hole in my pocket_ **

A reply lit his phone up almost instantaneously. He heard the front door open and close, that must be Evan leaving. He hated himself for shouting and saying those things in front of the other teen. He knew he must have pushed Evan into a panic attack, but he meant what he had said, even if he hadn’t meant to say it. After three years of practically nothing, why did Evan have to find him in the park that day?

**To Connor:**

**_You’re lucky, nearly ran out but a deal fell through. Give me 30 and I’ll be there_ ** ****

Before he could think about what he was doing, he stashed some cash into his back pocket, opened his bedroom window and jumped onto the roof below before making his way down to the ground and heading to the park to collect the pot. A routine he had done time and time again, no matter how many times his parents had thought that he had stopped. It was an old habit and one that he wasn’t planning on giving up anytime soon.

* * *

 

_Connor was screaming his lungs out. He was breathless and exhausted, but he couldn’t stop himself. Why couldn’t he just be normal? He had started to cry less and shout more in the past year. The other kids had started looking at him with weird, fearful looks. All of them, but Evan. Never Evan. He could hear Evan calling his name as a couple of teachers restrained Connor and took him away to the quiet room. The name always made Connor roll his eyes, he was never quiet in that room. The teachers were saying things to him, but he couldn’t hear them over his own voice._

_The class had been doing group reading and it was Connor’s turn to read a paragraph out loud, but the words and letters were blending together and moving around. It didn’t make any sense. He was taking too long, and people were whispering which made the hot waves start to build up inside of him. He was stumbling to get through the first word when one of the boys from the back of the room spoke up._

_“Hurry up loser! Don’t you know how to read? What are you, stupid?” He chided, which caused the teacher to tell him off, but the jab had already caused the waves to increase in intensity and heat._ Don’t you know how to read? _The words kept buzzing around in Connor’s head._ No, I don’t, _Connor thought to himself._ Stupid, stupid, stupid. _The words kept building up inside of him along with the waves and the heat until he stood up, pushing his table away and screamed._

_“I’m not stupid! You’re fucking stupid!” Connor shouted stepping towards the boy that now looked fearful. The two teaching assistants that had been in the room stood up and ran over to Connor to restrain him and remove him from the class. Most classes only had one teaching assistant, but Connor knew why theirs had two. It was for moments like this, to control Connor like they would control a rampaging animal at a zoo._

_As he was removed from the class he could hear Evan following him out calling his name as Connor was carried down the corridor kicking and screaming before the teacher came outside and told Evan to go back into class. Connor was dumped in the quiet room and left there to exhaust himself. There was a teacher stationed at the window to make sure Connor didn’t do anything to hurt himself, but he just screamed and screamed and kicked and punched the soft furnishings that surrounded him. He knew if he punched the wall a teacher would come in and interfere, and even he could stop himself from being that stupid while he was having a fit, or an episode, as they liked to call these moments._

_Eventually, Connor did grow tired, and he stopped screaming and thrashing about. Instead, he collapsed onto one of the sofa’s and sat there with his head in his hands, crying silently and wishing he was normal._

* * *

 

Evan was sat in the waiting room outside the counsellor's office. He had been told in study hall that they had requested to see him and so the thoughts of why’s and what’s were running through his head at 100 miles a minute. However, when he had got there he hadn’t been expecting to see Connor slumped over in one of the chairs. Head low with earbuds in, listening to some rock music so loud that Evan could hear the tinny noise of it. He was wearing all black as usual, beaten up combat boots, a black jacket, black hoody and black skinny jeans. Meanwhile, Evan was wearing a pale blue polo and his khakis. Connor noticed him walk in and looked up at him, his face unreadable. Evan stood for a while looking around the room as he played with the loose thread of his cast, not knowing where to sit. He didn’t want to sit too close to Connor and piss him off when Connor clearly didn’t want to be seeing him but he also didn’t want to sit away from the other boy and make him think that he didn’t want to be near him, or worse, that he was scared of him. Evan could never properly be scared of Connor. Of course, he rose Evan’s anxiety in recent years especially after the last week but that was more panic than fear. A panic that before he knew what to do and now he was as lost as a fish out of water.

“I’m not going to kill you.” Connor deadpanned, as he rose an eyebrow at Evan and removed one of his earbuds. “You can sit down.” Evan bit his lip and nodded before sitting down in one of the seats that were opposite Connor. When he looked back up at the other boy, Connor was looking at Evan’s cast. He seemed, confused? Evan knew _he_ was confused. After all the ups and downs (more downs than ups) that had happened with Connor over the last week and Evan had somehow gotten himself involved in it all. Evan couldn’t help but be confused. He knew Connor was mad at him, that much was clear, and it had been all he thought about since he ran out of the Murphy’s house Friday night, three days ago.

It looked like Connor was about to say something but before he could the counsellor came out of her room.

“Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen, could you boys come in here for me please,” She smiled. She had dark brown hair cut in a pixie cut. She was short and curvy and wore a colourful maxi dress that hid her shoes and a jean jacket. Evan got up from where he had been sat and followed her into her room, wanting this whole experience to end. Why had she called him? With Connor as well? Connor also stood up, a lot more reluctantly and followed Evan in, turning off his music for good this time.

“Boys, you both know me. I’m Ms Parker but we don’t need introductions, do we? I’m aware you both know each other already,” She smiled, that smile never seemed to leave her voice. Evan had met her a couple times before, freshman year when she was getting to know all the kids that might need her ‘help’. A couple times when he had been sent to her office after a particularly bad panic attack and they thought he should talk it through with someone.

“You could say that,” Connor scoffed, leaning back on the sofa clearly wanting to be anywhere but here. Ms Parker was sat behind her desk and Evan and Connor were sat either end of the sofa that was in front of it. Evan felt like he was too close to the other teen and he felt on edge, more so, because of it. However, there was the small part of him that always relaxed when Connor was around, that part of him never seemed to go away.

“What do you mean by that Connor?” Ms Parker asked, leaning forward onto her desk, eyebrows raised. There was already tension in the room, Evan wanted to leave. _Run, run, run._ His hands were sweating, and he tried to wipe them on the arm of the sofa without anyone noticing but it was clear that Connor had noticed something because he smirked slightly.

“Nothing at all miss,” Connor mocked politeness. “Please continue, so we can all get the fuck out of here.”

“Language Connor,” The counsellor told him but she didn’t seem annoyed, before changing the subject. It was clear that Connor and the counsellor had met before, Connor was acting similar to how he used to with Ms G in elementary school. Like they understood each other, it was strange to see Connor like that with a member of the school staff. He was normally so against everyone and everything. “I am aware of the events of last week, and I wouldn’t be doing my job probably if I didn’t talk to you both and offer you help,” Ms Parker continued.

“Of course not, you won’t want to be at blame if I succeed next time I try to off myself,” Connor interrupted her, unusually there was a grin across his face. The words made Evan freeze up inside. He hadn’t thought about the possibility of a next time, he didn’t know what he would do if Connor tried to kill himself again. He understood Connor to a certain extent but what he didn’t understand was filled with his feelings towards Connor. He still loved Connor as his best friend, even if those emotions had been repressed and pushed down since they had stopped talking to each other. After ten years of friendship, you can’t just not care about someone.

“You know we don’t talk like that Connor. But no, I want to help make sure there isn’t a next time and Evan, dear. I’m here to help you as well, after what you witnessed I understand that you’ll need support,” Connor scoffed again, which caused Ms Parker to send a reprimanding glare at the brunette but instead of retaliating, Connor just looked down at his shoes. Evan hadn’t really thought about what had happened that night, he had been concentrating on the issues of now. Apart from the nightmares he had been having, he had been pushing down all memories of Connor slumped under that tree because if he thought about it for too long, he would spiral and struggle to breathe.

“That is why, I think it would be a good idea for you both to help each other through this hard time,” Ms Parker told them after, she explained how after they had both suffered such trauma, they needed to reach out and not bottle everything up by themselves.

“What?” Connor shouted in surprise, which made Evan’s cheeks go pink. Of course, he wouldn’t want that, after everything, Connor had barely been able to look at Evan since that day in the park. But the way Connor had called Evan ‘Ev’ before the ambulance had got there had made him want something he once had.

“I would like to see you boys once a week for the time being just for ten minutes to see how you are both getting on, but I really think it could help you both. You’ve already been through the worse of it together, that night, now it’s time to help each other out on the other end,” She explained, grinning like it was the best idea in the world. Evan wanted to say something, anything, but he couldn’t form the words so instead, he just sat there, biting his bottom lip and trying to control his breathing. Too much was happening in such a short amount of time. 1 2 3 4, 1 2 3 4. He didn’t know how he and Connor could be friends again. Every molecule that made Evan wanted it to be possible. He wanted to wish for things to go back to how they used to be but he also knew it wasn’t that easy and he wouldn’t get his hopes up just for them to be crushed under Connor’s combat boots.

“So, what? You’re going to force us to be friends?” Connor asked in disbelief. Evan didn’t want to think about what the other boy was thinking about him.

“From what I’ve heard Mr Murphy, before, you two didn’t have to be forced to be friends. Apparently, that happened quite naturally, all by itself.” Ms Parker looked smug as Connor admitted defeat and huffed back in his chair, not saying anything until it was time to leave.

* * *

 

_It was the first day of kindergarten and Evan was hugging his mom so tight, not wanting her to leave him in this strange building with all these unfamiliar faces. His mom was trying to comfort him and get him to enter the classroom, but it wasn’t working. Evan looked over at Jared who was already talking and making friends with the other kids that were in the class. Evan bet he hadn’t shed a single tear this morning. He had told Evan that they would be fine together and make lots of friends to join them in their games of superheroes, but Jared had already found better friends and the thought just made Evan cry even more._

_“Um, hello?” A small voice questioned next to Evan, knocking him out of his spiral of thoughts. Evan slowly turned around away from where Heidi was knelt on the floor, gripping the bottom of his top in his hands and saw a boy who had dark brown hair and was slightly taller than Evan. Evan was about 40 inches his mom had said this morning when she measured him against the wall. Was it 40 inches or 14 inches? Evan couldn’t remember but he knew that it meant he was big!_

_“H-hi,” Evan muttered quietly as the boy was clearly expecting an answer. Evan noticed how the boy was sniffling the way Evan does after he’s been crying._

_“I’m Connor.” The boy let out a small smile. “Are you scared too?” Evan just nodded in response. “So am I but my mommy told me that if I make friends they might be able to help cheer me up.” The boy was getting livelier with every word he spoke, and it was starting to rub off on Evan. “Do you want to be my friend and then we can cheer each other up?”_ Friends? _Evan thought._

_Evan looked over again to Jared who was now running around the classroom with a girl their age and then he looked up to his mom unsure of what to do, this boy seemed really nice and it would be good to have a friend to help him through the day, but he also didn’t want to leave his mom. Heidi gave him a reassuring smile and pushed him forward slightly, so Evan gave a small nod which made the other boy’s smile grow wider. The smile was becoming contagious as Evan felt the side of his mouth twitch up slightly._

_“Come on then, what’s your name?” Connor asked as he held out his hand for Evan to grab. The smaller boy answered his question as he took the hand in his own before walking off, already starting to smile._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >As always I hope you enjoyed!  
> >Let me know what you think in the comments and don't forget to leave kudos
> 
> >If any of you have a better understanding of american culture and want to be my beta reader let me know (message me on tumblr conn-stellxtion or twitter @bookishweekday) 
> 
> >I have no friends come and talk to me on tumblr! conn-stellxtion
> 
> >I have based some of the procedures that the school has in place for Connor off of procedure that were used in my own primary school for 'troubled' kids so I know it might not be accurate to what its like in america (im british) but i had to write what i know ya know?   
> >write what you know, so they say, all i know is i don't know what to write or the right way to write it  
> >did ya'll get that reference 
> 
> >I was unsure about whether to make Connor dyslexic or not but I haven't seen it before so I thought why, not  
> >In fact the group reading scene was inspired by one of my friends so shout out to her 
> 
> >does anyone even read these? 
> 
> >I LOVE YOU ALL


	4. And with the black banners raised as the crooked smiles fade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW THIS IS BASICALLY JUST A FILLER CHAPTER PLEASE DONT KILL ME IT WAS NECESSARY I WANT TO HURRY THESE BOYS ALONG IN THEIR FRIENDSHIP AS MUCH AS YOU DO 
> 
> this chapter is actually still in the process of being beta read so there may be minor changes but I shall let you know if it is anything of import. Talking about beta readers massive shout out to the wonderful thefamousjackkelly over on tumblr who volunteered to help me get this mess of a piece of work together and beta read for me! I really appreciate it :) 
> 
> TW (stay safe and if you ever need to skip a chapter for whatever reason, let me know and I'll send you a summary of what happens, no questions ask) 
> 
> also why does this chapter feel really short compared to the others?
> 
> self harm - gets detailed at the end. Skip the last lot of italics if this is triggering to you  
> anxiety, anger and brief mentions of suicide as always 
> 
> :) enjoy!

Evan was in the boy’s bathroom down the hall from Ms Parker’s office. He had run out as soon as the session was done, breaths quick and hands shaking. He knew he was on the edge of a panic attack and he needed to get somewhere quiet to calm himself down. He was currently hunched over the far sink that was against the wall, taking in ragged breaths. His eyes kept getting drawn to the stupid black writing that was on his left arm. Connor’s name on his cast had been taunting him since it had been put there. If this was middle school, Connor and Evan would have been laughing about how big Connor had written it, it would be an inside joke and it would be comforting when Connor wasn’t there. But this wasn’t middle school, things had changed since it had been. It was a mocking reminder of what Evan had messed up and that he clearly no longer knew the boy who was once always seen with him.

“It’s weird isn’t it?” Evan heard Connor’s voice enter the room. Evan nearly jumped out of his skin as he turned to face the other boy. Connor seemed to be looking down at Evan’s cast as well, but Evan couldn’t exactly tell what he was feeling. He knocked his thoughts out pretty quickly though as he tore his gaze up to meet Evan’s.

“C-Connor!” Evan couldn’t hide his surprise no matter how much he tried. “W-what are you? Are you f-following m-me?” Evan questioned. “Shit, that c-came out wrong. I don’t mean- of course, you’re not f-following me. You p-p-probably just need to pee.”

“No, I was following you.” Connor deadpanned with his eyebrows raised.

“What?” Evan let out his shock, his voice slightly louder than expected. Why on earth was Connor following him? Maybe he had finally seen an opportunity to shout at Evan again, properly this time. To show him how much he hated him now. Evan knew that Ms Parker’s idea was with good intent but also that the chances were that it wouldn’t turn out how she wanted it to. Evan had fucked up their friendship already, he wasn’t expecting another chance. Evan didn’t want to know how she had found out that they used to be friends, most people had forgotten.

“You looked like you were freaking out and I couldn’t just leave you to have a panic attack.” Connor shrugged, and if Evan wasn’t mistaken, he looked kind of sheepish. “I’m a dick but I’m not that much of a dick.”

“O-oh, I see,” Evan didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t had Connor help him through one of his freak-outs in so long it was odd remembering that he often did use to have someone at his side when he was having a panic attack. Why would Connor care anyway? It’s not like he was obligated to anymore.

“You okay now though?” Connor questioned as he jumped up to sit on the counter between two of the sinks. He was scratching at his wrists and he seemed twitchy. Evan nodded and started fiddling with the strap of his bag that was also on the counter next to Connor. Evan looked over in Connor’s direction. The taller boy had his head against the mirror that was on the wall and he seemed to have his closed his eyes. He was playing with a piece of string that was wrapped around his wrist. It looked very familiar to Evan; the string was black but had different coloured beads were woven into it. Evan hadn’t noticed that Connor wore it. Normally Connor wore a collection of bracelets on his left wrist but today he only had the one as it rubbed against the long sleeves of his jacket. Evan had wondered why Connor wore long sleeves, even on hot days like the one they were experiencing but then he remembers the scars he had seen on Connor’s arms in the hospital, and his stomach dropped.

“I d-didn’t realise you still had it,” Evan spoke up pointing to the bracelet on Connor’s wrist. Seeing the bracelet had sparked something in Evan. Some hope? Evan had made Connor that friendship bracelet years ago and Connor always used to wear it, but Evan thought that he would have stopped doing so when they had stopped talking, but apparently not. That had to mean something? Or maybe not, maybe Evan was just overthinking it, but that realisation had allowed Evan a tiny bit of hope, a small moment of bravery.

As Connor started to try and explain himself, about how it was stupid and that he never thought about taking it off, Evan took that small moment of bravery and interrupted his old friend, “C-can I have your number?”

“What?” Now it was Connor’s turn to be shocked and Evan was already calling himself stupid in his head. It was a bracelet it meant nothing! Evan was about to apologise when Connor spoke up, seeming to get over the shock of the question. “Uh sure, uh, give me your arm.” Evan lifted his right arm up to Connor, confused but obedient. “No you’re left arm, so I can write my number on your cast?” Connor let out a small laugh.

“O-of course. S-sorry.” _Stupid, stupid, stupid,_ Evan was thinking. The word repeating in his head as he held out his left arm this time. Connor had pulled out a marker from the bottom of his bag and took Evan’s wrist in his hand as he wrote down his phone number on the white canvas in a small scrawl, just under where he had written his name a week ago.

“Jared hasn’t even signed your cast?” Connor noticed, just as he let go of Evan’s wrist.

“Um, no. He, he says we are more of, uh, f-family friends.” Evan explained, heat rising to his cheeks. He took a step away from the other boy, grabbing his bag off the counter.

“He was always a dick,” Connor muttered more to himself than to Evan and so Evan decided to ignore it. Jared was the only resemblance of a friend he had, and he wasn’t in the mood to defend what he knew were Jared’s shitty actions. “Anyway, since you’re okay I need to get high and get the fuck away from this place.” Evan’s surprise was apparently written on his face as Connor continued, “Come on, you must have heard the rumours that I’m the school stoner.” It was true Evan had, and he also knew they were likely to be true. However, the rumours didn’t match the picture of Connor that was in Evan’s head. They should have, Evan witnessed what Connor was like the year before high school. He saw Connor around school, yet it never processed just how much Connor had changed in the last three years.

“I d-don’t like t-to listen to rumours.” Evan stuttered. “I thought maybe,-“

“You think too highly of me Hansen.” Connor interrupted him before jumping off the counter and heading out of the bathroom.

“C-Connor,” Evan called out, not really knowing what he was doing before Connor could exit. The other boy didn’t turn around, but he stopped and stood to wait.

“I-if you need anyone. Y-you know where I am.” Evan stuttered out, he readied himself for Connors outburst, but it never came. Instead, Connor just left the bathroom not saying a word, leaving a shaking Evan in his wake.  

* * *

 

_Connor pulled the black string out of the small envelope that had Connor’s name written on it in Evan’s messy writing. The string had small colourful beads woven through it. Evan was already thinking about how stupid his gift was and how Connor was going to hate it. He had stayed up the past two nights trying to make it, the first night was a fail and he had to throw all his attempts in the bin. Somehow though, he had managed to make a somewhat decent bracelet on the second night._

_“Sorry, if it’s rubbish. It’s a-“ Evan started, quietly. Getting ready to snatch it out of Connor’s hands if the boy did hate it. This had seemed like such a good idea before and now Evan wasn’t so sure._

_“Friendship bracelet,” Connor said at the same time as Evan did, as he was finishing his sentence. “Ev, did you make this?”_

_“Yeah, I know it’s probably filled w-with mist-takes but I thought maybe when you were f-feeling lonely, you could look d-down at it, and remember you’re not. Alone, that is. It was a stupid idea. You d-don’t have t-to like it.” Evan rushed out all of his words as fast as he could._

_“Ev, I love it.” Connor pulled the bracelet onto his wrist before enveloping Evan in a hug. Evan felt all the tension that he had over the gift leave his body. It felt right when Connor hugged him, it was calming and reassuring._

_“Happy 13_ _th_ _birthday, Con,” Evan muttered into his best friends shoulder._

* * *

 

“Since when you were buddy-buddy with Connor Murphy?” Jared asked Evan later that day, Evan and Jared were down in Jared’s basement, Jared playing some video game and Evan was sat there watching. Jared had invited Evan round saying that if his parents didn’t see Evan with Jared soon, they would stop paying for his car insurance. “The last I heard, you said he stormed out screaming at the dinner on Friday,” Jared questioned, eyebrows raised.

“He did, we’re not. What are you on about?” Evan turned to face the other boy who was staring at the TV he was playing on with an intense scowl as he the character on the screen seemed to get attacked by zombies and then the words GAME OVER appeared on the screen in dark red.  

“Fucker!” Jared shouted, chucking his PS4 controller onto the other end of the couch he was sitting on. “First he signs his name and now he’s added his number?” Jared gestured to Evan’s cast. “What? Is he your booty call now?”

“Why would you even think that Jared? I-I-I,” Evan couldn’t get the words out. He needed to go home and sleep. Let everything just disappear for a while. Why had he asked for Connor’s number? Was Connor expecting him to message him now or would he be annoyed if he did so? And if he did message Connor what would he even say? _Hi, it’s Evan. Your ex-best friend who almost found you dead in a park. :)_ No, he wouldn’t have anything to say that had always been his issue when it came to people. Previously though, people didn’t include Connor.

“Dude, I’m just teasing you.” Jared moved his hands up and down, in a calming hand motion.

“Oh, no. I know that.” Evan muttered, rubbing his shirt between his fingers. Hi, hands were slightly warm and sweaty, and Jared was looking at him with an eyebrow raised, silently questioning him. He needed to get everything off his chest and as usual he only had Jared to talk to and so once Evan opened his mouth there was no stopping the word s from coming out. “Ms Parker wants us to hang out or whatever to help each other g-get through the trauma of last week,” The words had come out all at once, all joined together in one thread.

“Trauma? What the heck is that even supposed to mean?” Jared laughed, his eyes crinkling up at the sides. “Wait, so you’re telling me, you have to re-befriend the freak for therapy. Isn’t that just going to make you need more therapy or something? For some reason, I feel like Connor isn’t going to float with that one.”

“I t-told you not t-to call him that,” Evan muttered, starting to give up on trying to get help from Jared. “He g-gave me his n-number, didn’t he?”

“Huh, it seems so. I don’t know what his meaning was behind that.” Jared shrugged as he picked up his game controller again and started to play the game again. “I’ll guess you’ll have to message him and find out.”

 

Connor was lying on his bed and had managed to avoid most of his family since he got home. Zoe had jazz band practice and was getting a lift with one of her bandmates so she had told him not to wait around for her. He had told his mom that he had thrown up just before he came home, so he wasn’t feeling up for eating. This was partly true, mainly a lie though but his mom believed him and told him to make sure he had a snack later. His high from where he had been smoking under the bleachers for the last two periods of the day was starting to wear off now, and he was starting to sink back down to reality. It had been good while it lasted but now the itch of life was coming back, and it was already irritating him. The words of Ms Parker had been playing in his mind. About how he and Evan could help each other. Connor knew Evan could do with help, even if he hadn’t been friends with the blonde boy it would be clear to him that Evan had anxiety and Connor wouldn’t admit it to himself, but it made him angry that Evan only had someone like Jared to call his friend and not even a proper friend, he deserved someone better but Connor knew he wasn’t that, and Evan probably didn’t want him to be.

The emptiness that had been there after Connor had tried to kill himself was still there. It was like the waves of anger that were normally there had gone out with the tide and all was left was wet sand and seaweed.

As Connor was lying on his bed, trying to sleep but failing miserably, he heard his phone buzz from where it was plugged in on his bedside table. _Who the fuck would be messaging him?_ He thought to himself as he picked up the device and opened his messages without looking at the notification on the lock screen. There was another buzz, as he was doing so.

**From Evan:**

**_Hi :)_ **

**_Sorry, if you didn’t want me to message but you gave me your number and you didn’t have mine, so I thought that it was only fair if I messaged you to even the balance. Sorry, again!_ **

_Oh,_ Connor was not expecting that.

**To Evan:**

**_stop overthinking so much jeez you’re giving me a headache_ **

**From Evan:**

**_Sorry!_ **

**To Evan:**

**_what did you want hansen_ **

**From Evan:**

**_To talk?_ **

**_You said we could both pretend to have friends now? And Ms Parker, she thinks it might be good?_ **

**To Evan:**

**_i don’t give a fuck about what ms parker says_ **

What was Evan saying? That he wanted to be friends with Connor again? No that couldn’t be correct. That he wanted to pretend to be friends? What did that even mean? However, there was that small flame of hope in Connor’s stomach that always appeared when he was talking to Evan in a somewhat friendly way. He remembered telling Evan that they could pretend to have friends when he signed his cast that day in the computer lab but he didn’t think Evan would have been paying attention to that. He didn’t even mean to say it, he didn’t know what he had meant, the words had just come out as that hopeful flame gradually grew in size and then it got burnt out as the waves over anger came flooding back in as he read Evan’s letter about him. He hadn’t believed the things he was saying about Evan writing the letter so that he would freak out. Not really, but the anger did, and the anger was all-consuming. He hated himself as he ran out of that room.

**From Evan:**

**_Oh._ **

Connor could practically see the disappointment on Evan’s face, clearly, Connor had hurt him somehow. He was good at this, hurting people when he hadn’t meant to. He was also good at hurting people with the intention to do so. Ultimately, he was just a monster. Giving in to himself and not having the energy to fight himself at the moment, knowing full well that he wanted this, to be messaging and talking to Evan again he let himself start a conversation with the other teen. It would be short-lived before he fucked something up again, but he gave himself this one small thing before Evan realised he didn’t want to be talking to Connor again and left him.

**To Evan:**

**_so you still weirdly obsessed with trees?_ **

**From Evan:**

**_You remember that?_ **

**To Evan:**

**_obviously, you wouldn’t stop going on about that and the number of times you made me climb a stupid tree with you_ **

Connor laughed to himself at the memories. He let himself get lost in them, something he rarely allowed himself to. Memories from before Connor was the biggest fuck up to grace the planet, were stored in a little box inside Connor’s brain never to be opened. Especially not to be opened for more than a second. He didn’t have to torture himself with memories of the Connor he was and the life he had had. But for once, as he relaxed into his bed, he let the box open as he talked to Evan. The conversation didn’t last too long, they eventually ran out of things to say and the conversation was awkward. None of them understood the other like they used to and it hurt Connor, this is why the box wasn’t opened. But soon enough, Evan messaged saying that Heidi had just got home between work and classes and that he should see her and that he would talk to Connor later. The brunette didn’t get his hopes up as he pushed everything back into that box.

As he put his phone back onto his bedside table the emptiness inside of him had grown in size. His chest was painful and for once, Connor let himself cry. Normally he would push the tears back and they would be replaced by anger but tonight, he allowed himself to have this. The encounters with Evan on the first day of school, the suicide attempt, everything that had happened after, Evan talking to him, that stupid flame of hope, everything had grown to be too much, and Connor just let himself cry silently into his pillow. It wouldn’t last long before the tears naturally turned into something more bloody and dangerous, he knew that that was the natural cause of him, but he didn’t care about that right now, all he cared about was the things he had lost and this, was why that box was never opened.

* * *

 

_The first time Connor had hurt himself had been during the summer before freshman year. He had thought about doing it for about a year before that, but he never could get himself to do it. Now though, he had nothing left to lose._

_He hadn’t talked to Evan in two weeks and he knew he had fucked up. The way they had left things, normally they talked every day. Connor had stopped looking at his phone, it had gone flat and was at the bottom of his bag somewhere a week ago, and he hadn’t been bothered to charge it since. What was the point? No one else had messaged him except Evan._

_His mom and Zoe had been asking about Evan. They could tell something was up, he had spent all day every day locked in his room, in bed, unless Cynthia had forced him down for dinner. Normally Evan would have been round or Connor would have gone round Evan’s but no, and they wouldn’t stop wanting to know why. Larry, his dad if you could even call him that, had been particularly shitty. Shouting at him to get up and do something, stop being such a waste of space. Connor retaliated most of the time. Screaming in his dads face before running out of the house and sneaking in through his bedroom window later that night. That tended to be the only time he left his house._

_On top of that, the doom of freshman year was hovering in the inevitable near future, where he knew he would be facing his classmates by himself instead of with someone at his side. He was alone, it seemed. He had felt loneliness before, but he had Evan there to prove that the feeling was a lie. Now, he had nothing._

_To stop the thoughts and to give himself a break from it all, just for a second, Connor got into the shower and pulled apart a razor. It was a struggle at first, but he eventually got the knack to it. He held the small piece of metal in his hands, just staring at it before red started painting his left arm._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >thank you SO much for reading this and for all of your support so far  
> >every hit, kudos, comment and bookmark is noticed by me and they really motivate me to continue on with this piece of work so i cannot thank you enough 
> 
> >here's a shoutout to fandomactsofkindess (or mycrazy-fandom-brain) for all the lovely comments and messages, they're amazing and you should go check them out! 
> 
> >next time the boys actually start USING WORDS AND TALKING TO EACHOTHER not much but like baby steps right?  
> >I feel like we need some fluff soon so we'll see when that pops up
> 
> >as always please feel free to give me your thoughts good and constructive critiscm! if you have any ideas on where you would like to see let me know!! 
> 
> >I have no friends so come and talk to me on tumblr (conn-stellxtion)  
> > I LOVE YOU ALL


	5. Just wanna fill up the trophy case again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is slightly shorter than normal and I'm sorry for that but I'll try to get the next chapter out ASAP to make up for it :) 
> 
> Shout out to my amazing beta thefamousjackkelly over on tumblr who is helping me out massively! 
> 
> TW (stay safe and if you ever need to skip a chapter due to triggers let me know and I'll send you a summary of what happens)
> 
> >Implied bullying  
> >mentions of being told to die  
> >anxiety and slight anger as always :)  
> >I can't remember if there are any actual references to suicide/self harm in this chapter so just be wary I guess? Nothing graphic though

Evan was sat on the sofa watching an episode of friends with Heidi during the 45-minute break she had between getting home from work and going out to class. He was sat with his legs tucked underneath him and was typing away on his phone every now and then as they watched The One with the Blackout, it was Heidi’s favourite episode, so she was laughing along to the recorded laughs that played in the background of the show. Evan was messaging Connor. They had gotten into a rhythm of messaging each other now, and it was starting to feel normal again which made the flame of hope in Evan’s stomach burn brighter and bigger. If you told Evan a week ago that he would be talking to his ex-best friend again, he would have called you crazy. Well, he wouldn’t because that would be rude and then he’d apologise and start freaking out, but he would think it, at least.

They had just been messaging about some space documentary Connor had watched recently and he had been sending Evan random facts that he had remembered. Evan also suspected that Connor was high because he would go off on tangents about random things and seemed out of it, to put it in the simplest terms. It was different seeing this side of Connor, not bad different just different. Evan would rather Connor didn’t smoke especially not weed but he also knew that it probably wasn’t quite that simple for the other teen.

“Who are you messaging there Evan?” Heidi nearly made Evan jump out of his skin as she spoke up. She had her eyebrows raised and a stupid smile on her face. Of course, she would be curious, Evan never messaged anyone except her so he should have been prepared for this question.

“Uh, it’s um, it’s no one.” Evan fumbled on his words, not knowing what to say. He could already see the pride growing on Heidi’s feature and he didn’t want to crush them but he also wasn’t quite sure what to say about Connor.

“Come on, Evan, it has to be someone.” She was full on grinning now and Evan’s heart broke a little. If he hadn’t been such a loser, she wouldn’t be so surprised and overjoyed by the fact that Evan might have a friend. She just wanted him to be normal. “Well, you don’t have to tell me, just invite them over for dinner tomorrow, I have the evening off. I would love to meet this mysterious friend of yours.” She got up off her seat and walked out the room to get ready to leave for class. She was still shouting to him through the wall as Evan started out a refusal, but she wasn’t listening. “I’ll make a special dinner for it! I’m proud of you honey, love you!”

Evan sat there in shock, mind whirring, as his mom left the house. What was he meant to do now? Connor most likely would not want to have dinner with him and Heidi because why would he? Connor might not even see Evan as a friend and so offering might just make him seem needy and annoying. But if he didn’t invite Connor then Heidi would be disappointed, and he had already disappointed her enough. What would she do if Connor did come round though? How would she react?

 

It was the next day at school and Evan had just explained the whole situation to Jared, not knowing what to do and needing to talk to someone and as always that person had to be Jared.

“Why are you telling me this?” Jared questioned after he had finished laughing. It was moments like this that he wondered why he still talked to Jared, however, beggars can’t be choosers and he soon remembered that Jared was his only option.

“I don’t know because I need help, and besides d-don’t you enjoy laughing at my m-misfortune?” Evan questioned, getting more and more flustered by the second. If he was normal then he would be able to handle the situation quite well by himself.

“True,” Jared shrugged, contemplating Evan’s words for a moment, “I don’t know maybe just explain the situation to him and then see what happens? If you blame it on your mom then he can’t kill you, right? He’ll hunt down Heidi instead and kill her,” Jared chuckled at his jokes as Evan’s eyes widened. “Now do you want to talk about important things?”

“L-like what?” Evan knew he wasn’t going to get much more from Jared. He gave up trying and hoped that he would come up with a plan before he inevitably bumped into Connor today, they had messaged this morning so Evan knew he was at school, or by the time he got home to Heidi as she was waiting expectantly probably cooking spaghetti bolognaise since that was one of the few things she knew how to cook.

“Like how me, Michael and Jeremy managed to get past level nine last night!” Jared cheered, doing a mock celebration dance in the hallway. Michael and Jeremy were two friends of Jared’s that he had met in his computer science class. They played video games a lot together, especially zombie games, and they were much better at it than Evan so they were Jared’s friends. Not family friends, just friends. Sometimes Evan forgot that Jared wasn’t a loner like himself since he rarely saw Jared with Michael and Jeremy since they had different lunch periods so when their names were mentioned, his stomach plummeted. Evan wasn’t friends with Jared, they were, of course. Evan smiled before heading off to English as he processed his thoughts.

 

Once Evan got to English he felt like everyone’s eyes were on him and he was certain that people were whispering. Trying to convince himself that it was just his anxiety talking and that he was being paranoid, Evan made his way to his seat which was in the middle row, on the far side next to the window. He normally liked sitting by the door, so he could escape easily but he had been late to the first class of the season and there had been only one seat left.

“Oi Hansen!” Evan heard a voice from behind him as he pulled out his textbook and pencil case from his bag. He turned around and saw one of the jocks leaning on the desk behind his and one row to the right. Evan blinked in confusion, why was Dean, the head of the football team talking to him? He didn’t even think Dean knew he existed, why would he? “I heard you’re hanging out with the freak now.” Dean chided.

“Leave him alone Dean.” The girl who was sat next to the other boy told him, but she seemed half interested as she wrote something down in her notebook.

“We’re just having a nice conversation, aren’t we Evan?” Dean smirked, ignoring the girl. Evan thought her name was Charlotte but he wasn’t too sure, she was part of the cheerleading team though, Evan could see her outfit poking out of her bag.

“W-what?” Evan stuttered, his breathing was starting to quicken, he knew that Dean was making fun of him somehow, he just couldn’t piece everything that was happening together and his hands were starting to shake.

“Heard he tried to kill himself.” He seemed way to happy about that, Evan thought to himself and that’s when his brain started going 100 miles an hour.

“Who told you that?” Evan asked, his voice clearly scared but he needed to know how he knew. It didn’t take a genius to realise that Connor didn’t want people knowing about what had happened, about his attempt. It was clear that he got enough shit as it was without that information making it any worse. Evan needed to know who had told him but before the other boy could reply the teacher entered the room and told them all to settle down.

For the rest of the class, Evan’s mind couldn’t focus on anything but who was spreading this information. If Connor found out people knew then he would lose his shit but he also deserved to know what was being spread about him. Evan certainly wouldn’t tell someone like Dean and he assumed neither would Zoe, she was Connor’s sister. _Jared_. It had to be Jared.

 

By the time lunch came around, Evan was feeling lonely and jumpy and paranoid. His mind had been foggy all day and he was starting to feel disconnected as he thought he could hear whispers following him. With Dean mentioning it so bluntly, Connor’s suicide attempt had been haunting him all day, it hadn’t helped that he had had one of his nightmares again last night.

When it was thankfully lunch break, Evan slowly made his way to the cafeteria when he noticed Connor sat on a table by himself in the corner of the room, reading a book. He was wearing a black hoodie and his usual black jeans. Evan didn’t normally see him inside during lunch, so seeing him threw him off guard slightly the words _he_ _tried to kill himself_ ringing in his head in Dean’s voice. After taking a few deep breaths Evan made his way over to the same table as Conor.

“Is anyone s-sat here?” Evan asked once he had approached Connor, hands grabbing at his backpack straps for something to hold onto, to try and focus himself.

“Do you think anyone’s going to be sat with me?” Connor raised an eyebrow, he had put his book down on the table, open and with the pages down. Evan noticed that he was reading the Little Prince. Evan’s hands were getting sweating and he was starting to freak out.

“I just, I meant, c-can I-“ Evan started but the words weren’t coming out of his mouth and his breathing was shallow.

“I know what you meant.” Connor interrupted him, but he didn’t seem as angry as Evan was expecting him to be. Maybe no one had said anything to him and maybe Evan was just overthinking things. Maybe people weren’t going to pick on him for this thing that he really shouldn’t be picked on for. Or maybe, people were biding their time. “Are you going to sit or what?”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry.” Evan forced himself onto the seat opposite Connor and took his back off his back and reached into it to pull out his lunch.

“Are you okay?” Connor questioned. “You’re more on edge than usual.”

“Oh, yeah I’m just,” Evan didn’t know what to say, he needed to talk to Jared before he told Connor that people knew. Not people, Dean, Evan tried to lie to himself and convince himself that it might not have been spread to anyone else. He already told Connor to kill himself, he didn’t want to know what would happen if they found out that he had actually tried to. “You know what I’m like with p-people. I d-don’t normally eat in here.” Evan took a bite from his sandwich. “Are you not eating anything?”

“I would rather die than eat this cafeteria food or my mom’s inedible shit.” Evan winced at his choice of words but Connor didn’t seem to notice, “I’m just gonna read, if that’s alright?” Connor asked as he picked up his book as if he was showing it to him. Evan nodded and continued eating his sandwich before he remembered, dinner with his mom. He had nearly forgotten and hadn’t thought about what he was going to say to Connor. Normally, he wouldn’t follow one of Jared’s plans but there was no other choice.

“F-first though, C-Connor.” Evan piped up before Connor had found where he was in the book. Connor lifted his head up again and shot him a curious look. “My uh, my mum. Now, you can say no but she realised I was messaging you, well not _you_ exactly but someone and she, she wants them, _you,_ to come round for dinner t-tonight with us. You d-don’t have to, actually I understand if you say n-no she can be so annoying and-“ Evan explained, trying to get the words out as quick as he could, he was looking down at the sandwich in his hands, waiting for the negative response that was bound to come sooner or later.

“Sure,” Connor interrupted Evan from continuing on his rant.

“What?” Evan’s head shot up in surprise and it seemed like Connor was suppressing a laugh, he seemed slightly different today.

“You’ve had to endure dinner with my family it’s only fair that I do so with your mom. Plus my mom will be over the fucking moon if she hears that I’m hanging out with you again.” Connor shrugged, “Anything else or?”

 _You could tell him about Dean_ , Evan’s brain told him but no, Connor seemed different today. Not happier exactly but lighter maybe, and he didn’t want to ruin that. At least one of them was having a slightly better day than normal. Besides, he’d already told himself that he would speak to Jared first. Evan shook his head and as Connor read he ate his lunch.

* * *

 

_“What’s this?” Evan asked from where he was stood near Connor’s small bookshelves. He was holding up a translucent, blue strip of plastic and Connor could feel his cheeks heating up and he realised what Evan had found._

_“Oh, it’s my overlay,” Connor muttered, embarrassed at himself. How had Evan found it? It should have been tucked away in one of his books as a bookmark, but Connor realised he still hadn’t chosen another book to read after finishing the third Harry Potter book last night, it had been his favourite in the series so far. The two boys had been doing homework quietly, in Connors room. Well, Evan had been doing homework on Evan’s bed and Connor had been doodling in his sketchbook on his desk, avoiding doing his homework._

_“What’s that?” Evan was holding the plastic up to his eyes now, looking through it as he made funny faces._ You can tell him, _Connor thought to himself as he debated whether or not to lie about it,_ it’s Evan, you can tell him everything.

_“It’s for my dyslexia.” Connor stated and Evan looked like he understood for a second before he changed and it looked like he was even more confused than before, Connor continued explaining, “Uh, so you know how I read a lot slower than everyone else and I get the words all muddled up?” Evan nodded, letting out an ‘uh-huh’, “It’s cause I have dyslexia which means the words and letters move around on the page._

_“They move?” Evan seemed shocked, a wave started to form in Connor’s stomach but he had to keep reminding himself that it was Evan, he wasn’t making fun of him, he was just curious._

_“Yeah, so the blue stops them from moving so much and then I can read like you and everyone else,” Connor told him, biting his lip, embarrassed with himself. He loved reading, visiting far of lands and stories, he just wished he could read without a blue piece of plastic._

_“Oh, cool.” Evan shrugged and put the overlay back where he found it and that was that he just accepted it. He never called Connor stupid when he was struggling to read in class when he refused to use the overlay, sometimes he would even find ways to help Connor out when he was struggling to read out loud. He never made fun of Connor for struggling with reading, and he always got annoyed with someone when they did. It always made Connor laugh to see small, shy Evan try and stick up for his friend but it also meant the world to him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >Did you all like that? I hope you did!  
> >I know I said that Evan and Connor were Connor have proper conversations in this chapter but NEXT CHAPTER. I PROMISE
> 
> > tell me what you thought in the comments! I love hearing what you've loved, any constructive criticism and ideas for where you want the story to go!  
> >Also remember to leave kudos and subscribe so you get notified when I upload!
> 
> >woops hi did ya'll spot that BMC reference? 
> 
> >I think that's all I have to say except I love Connor Murphy
> 
> >Come talk to me about Mike Faist and Alex Boniello over on tumblr (conn-stellxtion)


	6. Empty your sadness like you're dumping your purse on your bedroom floor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW (stay safe and as always you can message me for a summary if you aren't able to read this chapter) 
> 
> mentions of suicide  
> recreational drug use  
> anxiety 
> 
> >Shout out to thefamousjackkelly over on tumblr who is my amazing beta and puts up with my rambles and helps me realise what I'm writing isn't completely terrible 
> 
> >ALSO mycrazy-fandom-brain DID SOME AMAZING ARTWORK FOR ME OVER ON TUMBLR AND I WISH I COULD INSERT IT HERE FOR YOU GUYS BUT IDK HOW BUT ITS AMAZING IM CRYING

Evan and Connor had agreed to meet up in the parking lot and Connor would drive them both to Evan’s house, so Evan was stood waiting, round the back of the school where the parking was and was waiting for Connor. The rest of the day had been slightly better, no one else had out of the blue tried to talk to him except Alana who was one of those students that seemed to do every extra-curricular and Evan wondered how she did it. It wasn’t completely unusual for her to talk to him though since she was the only other person other than Jared, and now Connor, that seemed to notice Evan’s existence. She had just wanted to tell him about a report she was writing about for the school paper, so Evan didn’t have to put much input into that conversation, thankfully.

Evan was starting to think that Connor had ditched him when he saw the other boy heading in his direction. He was passing through the gate that was a back entrance onto school grounds, which meant he must have skipped last period. Evan didn’t know what he would do if Connor turned out to be high when meeting Heidi after three years, he didn’t know what anyone would do so when Connor got nearer and there seemed to be no signs of drug use, Evan let out a small sigh of relief. He also noticed how happy he suddenly was over the fact that Connor hadn’t ditched him, he was also terrified over what was going to happen because it was Evan’s life, and something had to go wrong but he would take all the small triumphs he could get at this point.

Connor led the way to his car, Evan following next to him and climbed into the passenger seat. Evan noticed that there was an indent on the bonnet of the car and there were a couple scratches along the sides which were surprising since he expected the Murphy’s to be able to buy brand new cars, he knew they could afford it.

“I crashed into a tree,” Connor stated simply as he noticed Evan’s curious stares.” Larry refused to get it fixed until I learn my lesson, whatever that means but like I care. It still works.”

“How did you, um, c-crash into a t-tree?” Evan asked, eyes widening, he hoped that Connor wasn’t too reckless of a driver, he could just about deal with Jared’s driving and speaking technically, Jared was a safe driver, surprisingly.

“I was high and angry,” Connor shrugged as he turned on the engine and drove out of the parking lot, slightly faster than Evan was happy with but he could cope. Evan looked around the interior of the car and it was somewhat cleaner than he expected. It smelt slightly like old weed, and there was an old McDonalds cup in one of the cup holders but other than that it wasn’t too bad. There were also a bunch of blankets and pillows thrown over the back seats, which Evan thought was unusual. “Any music preferences?”

“Uh, Fall Out Boy?” Evan and Connor used to sing and jump around to Fall Out Boy when they were younger, Heidi would always come into the room to ask them to turn the music down but when she saw the smiles on their faces she never actually had the heart to ruin their fun.

Evan noticed that Connor was singing quietly when  _ Alone Together  _ started playing through the car speakers and Evan started joining in which Connor seemed to pick up on. As the song played the two boys got louder and louder with their singing until they were close to screaming the words together. Evan felt light, it was like when they were kids, this was how he and Connor were supposed to be.

“Fuck, haven’t done that in a while,” Connor stated as he stopped at a red light, and looked over at Evan. He was smiling though, and Evan couldn’t help but smile with him.

“I g-guess not,” Evan let out a small laugh, he was feeling giddy.

* * *

 

_ “Ev, I’m bored,” Connor groaned from where he was slumped on the other boy’s bed. They had been doing maths homework, well, Evan was doing maths and Connor had been sketching doodles in his maths book. The page was now covered in a picture of a cat, a ghost and what had started out as a squiggle but had somehow become a galaxy. He didn’t understand how Evan could just sit there and work, he always got fidgeting and distracted after a while. _

_ “Con, if you do your homework then we can do something fun later,” Evan offered from where he was sat at his desk. Connor groaned as put his book and pencil down on the floor next to where he was sat. There was only one thing to do that never failed to get Evan distracted. He pulled out his phone and hit play on one of his most played songs before standing up on the bed and singing along, putting on a full punk-rocker show. He had started growing his hair out six months ago and it was now the perfect length for dancing and jumping about. _

_ “Am I more than you bargained for yet?” Connor started shouting over the loud music, he saw Evan turn around in his chair and give a mock-glare in Connor’s direction but he was smiling slightly not being able to hide it. “I’ve been dying to tell you anything you want to hear!” _

_ “Connor!” Evan laughed, “turn it down!” Connor acted like he couldn’t hear him as he continued jumping around on and off the bed. He knew Evan would give in soon, he always did. _

_ “We’re going down, down in an earlier round and sugar, we’re going down swinging!” Evan started singing along with Connor, jumping around with him, the two of them acting like they were putting on their own concert. Connor smirked at Evan, showing him that he had won as Evan laughed between the words of the song, shaking his head. _

_ By the end of the song, the two boys collapsed on the bed laughing, exhausted but not wanting to be anywhere else. _

* * *

 

“Mom!” Evan called as he entered his house, with Connor following him. Clearly, he had been expecting to see her as they walked through the door as Evan’s face fell slightly when she wasn’t there. Connor could hear footsteps from upstairs though and a ‘Hello sweetie’ as the two boys took their shoes off. Connor was wearing purple fluffy socks with grey dots on them, he always wore fluffy socks. It had started as a habit a couple years ago, there was something strangely comforting about them and as he was someone that got cold hands and feet easily, they helped keep his feet warm.

Evan led him into the kitchen and as Connor walked through the doorway he noticed pencil lines up one side of it.

“Hey, you still have the markings,” he noted, touching them with his finger. Heidi had measured him and Evan against this wall marking their growth on countless occasions, Evan would always get a little bit mad that Connor was always slightly taller.  It was weird being back in Evan’s house. He had spent so much time growing up here that it was like walking into a snapshot of the past, not much had changed to it in the past three years where he hadn’t been a frequent visitor.

“Do you want a glass of water?” Evan offered as Connor leant against the kitchen counter, his hands resting on the edge of it, but before he could reply Evan was already filling up two glasses and handing one to Connor.

“Hey honey, how was-“ Heidi started as she entered the kitchen, wearing pale blue scrubs, just as Evan handed him the water, she stopped in her tracks as she looked up and spotted Connor. She was surprised, to say the least, “Oh, Connor. Wow, long time no see,” She grinned before turning to Evan.

“Hi, Ms Hansen,” Connor smiled politely, lifting his hand in a small wave. He could tell instantly that something was wrong. Evan looked like a wounded puppy and Heidi was clearly confused as to why her sons former best friend was stood in her kitchen.

“What are you doing-?” She started to ask, but the question was directed at her son who cut her off. The change in Evan’s demeanour was obvious to anyone looking in.

“We were going to have dinner, weren’t we?” Evan asked, his voice was quiet, but it wasn’t how he usually was, but Connor couldn’t decide if he was sad or angry.

“Oh,” Heidi said as she processed Evan’s words. “Oh, Evan, the friend you were messaging, I told you to invite over. That was Connor.” Evan nodded, staring at his mom, not daring to look at Connor. “I’m sorry honey, I completely forgot, I had to pick up Karen’s shift, she’s sick you see and no one else could do it.”

“Okay,” Evan stated but he seemed to crumble as he said it. “It’s, it’s okay.”

“We’ll do it another night!” She smiled before turning back to Connor, “it was lovely to see you again Connor, let Evan know when you’re free and we can have a proper catch-up.”

“Sure, Ms Hansen.” He smiled in response but couldn’t stop noticing how broken Evan looked. He had been happy in the car and seeing the complete difference broke something in Connor.

“When have you ever called me that? It’s Heidi. Love you, Evan!” She called as she made her way out of the house. Connor looked back over to him and noticed his chest was heaving slightly.

“Hey, Hansen. Evan.” He spoke gently, walking over to Evan to try and comfort him. Clearly what had happened was not what Evan was expecting and Connor was starting to think that maybe it happened way too often and that was why it was so not okay.

“You can, you can go if you want,” Evan offered, wiping at his eyes, refusing to look at Connor still. “I understand, it was only to make my mom happy since she was so insistent.” Evan was starting to hiccup now.  _ Who would just leave when Evan was like this?  _ Connor thought to himself.

“Does this happen a lot?” Connor asked, not knowing what quite to do as he stood in front of Evan. He hadn’t had much opportunity to help other people since he was always the one that had upset or scared them, and it had been so long since he had to help Evan that it felt awkward.

“It’s whatever,” Evan shrugged, sniffling.

“Well, I won’t leave unless you want me to?” Connor tried, and Evan looked up at him now. His eyes were watery and slightly red. “Sorry I’m not very good at this whole comforting thing but we could watch a movie maybe? Or one of your stupid tree documentaries?” Why did Connor never know how to handle human emotions? In his head, he was starting to beat himself up for being so stupid. Of course, he wouldn’t want to watch a movie with Connor, his mom had just left when she had promised a special dinner that Evan was clearly looking forward to even if he didn’t admit it to himself.

“Okay, yeah.” Evan wiped his eyes before nodding, biting his lip slightly. “Yeah, I think, that would be good.”

The two boys were spread out in the living room with pizza that Connor had ordered, knowing that Evan wouldn’t want to deal with the phone call and the delivery guy and they had microwaved some popcorn they had found at the back of one of the kitchen cupboards.

“I can’t believe you like pineapple on pizza,” Evan grimaced as Connor took a bite out of his slice of Hawaiian pizza.

“Says you, Mr Margarita,” Connor laughed between mouthfuls. “Jokes on you, this is fucking delicious.” The two boys had ended up having a Disney movie marathon and Connor couldn’t help but enjoy seeing the smile creep back onto Evan’s face. They were currently in the middle of Moana, which was secretly one of Connor’s favourites, but he would never admit that.

“You’re probably the type of person who would put ketchup on ice cream,” Evan teased, eating his own pizza which was plain.

“Only once, when I was high,” Connor grimaced at the memory, he had regretted it as soon as he had taken a bite but his high state of mind had thought it would be a great idea, turned out to be a great waste of money. Connor noticed Evan roll his eyes at that as he turned back to watch the movie.

Connor watched the other boy for a few beats before turning back to the movie himself. He had to admit to himself that today hadn’t been shit. It hadn’t been great or good even, but it hadn’t been shit. His mom had only messaged once asking where he was and dropped it when he told her that he was at Evan’s, she sent a ‘tell him I say hi : )’ and left it at that. He knew that she was probably jumping with joy, she had been trying to get him to meet up with Evan again since he had come out of the hospital.

Just spending time with Evan was refreshing, things still weren’t like how they used to be but they were getting there. Once Evan had cheered up a bit from earlier events he had managed to laugh with Connor and it was like everything else that had happened had disappeared. It was nice, Connor thought.

Since his attempt, every time Connor looked at Evan, he felt a small twinge of anger over the fact that he had saved his life. What right did Evan have to save him? He hadn’t wanted to be saved and he should have been left in the mud to rot like he deserved. It was his life and he would do with it as he pleased. But watching Disney movies with the other boy, and hearing him hum along quietly to the songs, Connor couldn’t feel that anger anymore. He wasn’t thankful or overjoyed with Evan’s actions, he didn’t know if he ever would be, but he wasn’t angry anymore, at least he didn’t think he was.

* * *

 

_ The first time Connor had thought that he had wanted to die was during freshman year. People had been picking on him more than usual and the word  _ freak  _ rang in his head all day. He had gotten a bad score in his English exam that he had actually worked hard on for once and he had ended up storming out of PE as the coach tried to get him to take off his hoodie. That was  _ not  _ going to happen. He was already the school’s ‘troubled’ student, they didn’t need to see his cuts to solidify that idea any further. He got into the habit of skipping PE after that. _

_ The thing that had finally made everything collapse and Connor just give up on the day was when he saw Evan in the corridor. Connor was stood at his locker, flicking through the book that he was currently reading, as he waited for the next period to start. _

_ “Hey, freak!” One of the older students called to him from down the hallway, it was a boy who was taller than Connor and he had two of his mates behind him, laughing. “What’s that you’ve got there?” He took the book from Connor’s hands before throwing it onto the floor like it was trash. _

_ “Hey!” Connor looked at him with a ‘what the fuck’ expression, he hadn’t even been doing anything to invite them to taunt him. _

_ “Whoops?” The boy laughed as he shoved Connor into the lockers before walking away, fist-pumping his friends.  _ Freak, freak, freak,  _ Connor thought the word stuck in his head like it had been all day _ , maybe if you were normal they wouldn’t pick on you so much.  _ Connor bent down to pick up his book that had been kicked by some passers-by and now half the cover had been folded over and some of the pages had been ripped slightly. As he stood up he saw Evan looking at him, they hadn’t talked since the beginning of the summer so Connor shouldn’t have expected anything different but that didn’t make it hurt even less as Evan just turned around and walk away. _

_ That was when Connor felt like he wanted to completely disappear for the first time. He knew that everyone else would be better off without him and that he should just die. He was a burden, a freak. _

* * *

 

“So you’re telling me that you and Murphy ended up having a Disney marathon last night?” Jared questioned, as Evan told him about the events of the night before. “No, I don’t believe it. That couldn’t have happened.”

“Why would I lie about that?” Evan didn’t understand what was so difficult to understand. Okay, maybe Connor didn’t seem to be the type to watch Disney movies, but Jared knew they he had been in love with them as a kid. Why would that change? He was starting to regret telling Jared anything but he had to ask if Jared had told anyone about Connor’s suicide attempt. If made Evan feel sick just thinking about what the other boy had tried to do. 

“Are you sure he didn’t get you high?”

“I think I would have known if I was high, Jared. Anyway, that’s not the-” Evan huffed starting to get annoyed, there was more to Connor than just drugs and skipping school. Speaking of which, Evan hadn’t seen Connor in their science class that they shared.

“Whatever, you need come round this weekend, my car insurance is due soon.” Jared quickly changed the subject, apparently already getting bored of hearing about Evan’s life. “I could finally teach you how to play Mario Kart?”

“Did you tell anyone about Connor, Jared?” Evan lowered his voice so that the other students couldn’t hear them but Jared didn’t seem to get the memo. 

“What about him?” Jared's voice was loud and it made Evan’s eyes widen and eyebrows raise as if asking ‘are you serious?’ “Ooooh.” He seemed to realise what Evan was getting at. Evan didn’t know what he was going to say or do if Jared answered either yes or no because Dean already knew which meant more people probably knew and it’s not like he had the nerves to tell Jared off. And if it wasn’t Jared? Evan would be even more lost. Evan had heard whispers from Dean and the rest of the football team that morning but there had been nothing other than that which was probably something to do with the fact that Connor hadn’t come into school today. 

“Ya know, I’m a dick but I’m not that much of a dick,” Jared gave his answer, “now, Mario Kart this weekend or not?” 

 

For once in Connor’s life, he wished he was at school instead of sitting in a circle surrounded by a bunch of troubled teenagers. He understood that he was also one of these troubled teenagers, but he was also pretty sure that someone had started crying over their dead hamster from five years ago and he really was not in the mood for that. He would have skipped these group therapy sessions, but he found out the hard way last week that if he did, they phoned Cynthia and then he would never hear the end of it. So here he was, listening to everyone’s woes when what he really wanted was to just get high. He knew he needed help and a part of him wanted to accept it but he also knew that after a few weeks, maybe a month or two, Larry would pull him out of it saying that it was a waste of time and money and so there was no point in even trying with the sessions.

For the most part, they had let him sit quietly, just listening to everyone else talk. He had to introduce himself at the beginning with his name and something he liked. “Hi, I’m Connor and I like smoking pot.” He had expected to get reprimanded for that one but surprisingly the group leader had just smiled and welcomed him to the group.

The rest of the session was just listening to how everyone’s week had gone, if they had anything they wanted to talk about or any goals they wanted to share. Some girl had started to go on about how the moon positioning was messing with her meds and that was when Connor really started to give up on the idea of these things actually working. He didn’t want to judge these people too much because he knew they were probably really similar to him but at the same time, they were just, not his type of people.

“Connor, right?” A girl with long ginger hair and freckles asked as he exited the building after the hour-long session was up. Connor noticed her as one of the other ones that hadn’t said a word for the duration of the session, and Connor didn’t even remember her name. She was pretty, Connor thought he would be into her if he wasn’t gay. She wore a green beanie and layered a jean jacket over her plaid shirt and a black top along with black skinny jeans and doc martin boots. Could no one just leave him, so he could just go and get high? He was expected home today because Fridays were ‘family night’ whatever the fuck that means. They never ended well to say the least but Cynthia kept trying and so he needed to do something before he got home to help him get through it. He had skipped school this morning in favour of a lie in before making his way to the community centre this afternoon for the group therapy, which gave him about an hour and a half left before he was expected back home for dinner.

“Connie.” She filled in the silence as Connor looked at her without actually replying. “It’s short for Constance because my parents thought they gave birth to an old lady.” She laughed. “Pretty shit, right? Therapy, not my name. Or both maybe?”

“Isn’t Constance that creepy lady from American Horror Story?” Connor finally spoke up, realising that this girl wasn’t going to go away unless he said something.

“Yup. Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and let you know I am not going to start crying over any dead pets.” She laughed again, she seemed to always be smiling which Connor thought was odd for someone that went to group therapy and had just spent an hour listening to other people’s problems. “I love some of those guys, especially Jeremy, you know the guy I was sat next to?” Connor did remember, he was lanky with dark hair and hadn’t said much either. Connor had seen him round school a couple times. “But some of them are just a bit much, you know?” Connor definitely understood what she was getting at there.

“You mean the moon isn’t messing with your meds?” Connor deadpanned which made Connie laugh. It was weird having a conversation with someone that wasn’t either scared of you or picking on you and if Connor was a decent person, he would admit to himself that Connie actually seemed pretty cool, despite the weird similarity in their names.

“See, you’re funny. Can we exchange numbers?” she smiled before noticing Connor’s confused expression. “Don’t worry I’m not hitting on you, I have a girlfriend.”

“Right, no, I wasn’t-“ Connor started, this girl really was something, didn’t seem to have a care about what she said but Connor handed over his phone so she could insert her number into it and he took hers so he could do the same.

“Of course not, anyway, talk later? Jeremy is giving me a lift, so I should get going.” She waved before walking off towards a red car that was parked just outside the building. Connor had no idea what had just happened, but he wasn’t mad at it? He also didn’t have the energy to figure it out so instead he got in his own car and drove to the outskirts of town to find somewhere to get high before the hell that would be tonight.

* * *

 

_ The first time Connor got high was a few days after his revelation that he would be better off dead. He had somehow ended up sitting with the stoners who were a few years above him, under the bleachers. They had been offered him weed a few times but had declined, knowing it was a bad habit to get into but he didn’t care about that anymore so when they offered again he accepted. He took the joint from one of the guys he was sat next to, he looked like he hadn’t washed his hair in a week, Connor assumed he looked somewhat similar since his depressive episode had come full on and he hadn’t had any energy to do anything.  _

_ He fucked it up with the first hit that he took. Not inhaling it deep enough and just breathing it all out so that it didn’t have any effect. The other stoners laughed at him which made waves wash through his stomach but after they had finished laughing they also instructed how to do it properly. It wasn’t his fault he had never done this before, he had never even smoked a cigarette at this point but oh how things could change.  _

_ Connor finally got the hang of what he was doing and as he felt the effects of the weed taking place he was able to relax for the first time in a while. He felt light and he couldn’t care about all of his issues as he sat with the others. Laughing at stupid jokes and laying back on the grass to look at the clouds between the gaps in the bleachers.  _

_ By the time they had all comedown, the same guy, Jacob, that had handed Connor the joint gave him his number and told him to message if he ever wanted to buy any and with that. It was strange how easy bad habits were to pick up when trying to give them up was always so much easier. Connor felt guilty as the others walked away, leaving him by himself to figure out how he was going to get the smell out of his clothes before he got home but at the same time, he didn’t care. He knew what he was getting himself into and he just didn’t care.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >How do you all feel about Connie? As my beta will know I was unsure wether to include her but I feel like it's necessary for a healthy recovery for Connor ya know? 
> 
> >Are ya'll mad at me that we didn't get a Hansen dinner with Connor? We'll get it eventually! 
> 
> >Was this chapter a mess? Yes. 
> 
> >Uploads might be a bit slower now because I move into uni this weekend but I will still try to post as frequently as I can! 
> 
> >Remember to kudos and leave a comment, they seriously make my day and encourage me to write :) 
> 
> >THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOU SUPPORT! I LOVE YOU ALL


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